Nathan Nelson
It is spoken of in hushed tones amongst groups of only the most powerful friends and associates on cold, dark nights. It is written of in ancient books, concealed in the darkest corners of the oldest and most secret libraries on the planet. The Secret is hidden from all but a powerful few.
But I know. Every time you buy a Boots meal deal, you lose a piece of your soul.
Boots was originally established as a joint venture between the government and a laboratory run by the eccentric Lord Jericho Bunionplaster Boots. It was intended to act as an informal cafeteria and place of quiet reflection for those office workers who lacked these facilities, usually due to extraordinarily mean-spirited employers. Even today, Boots serves its purpose for many thousands of women who wander its aisles. As they stare blankly at hair products and occasionally reach, imperceptibly slowly, for fragranced lotions, they are in fact enjoying a catatonic stupor brought about by the brightly coloured labels, 3 for 2 offers and patterned floor tiling.
But Jericho Boots had a different mission, for he was an agent of dark forces, dark and terrifying forces as old as the earth and with a thirst for souls, and pharmaceutical products. Boots’ mission is to harvest souls.
By buying a meal deal, you sign an invisible covenant. The numbers 3,4 and 9 in the £3.49 price are a signature, an incantation, and you sign even if you also buy a chocolate bar on top and you actually pay about £4.20. When you leave the store, you have no idea that a chunk of your soul is about to be taken from you. It happens when you pull the door open to exit – the sign that it has happened is a small electric shock from the door handle. Those leaving Boots stores with automatic doors are no safer – their souls are collected by powerful overhead heating units, which explains the involuntary shiver you experience when you walk out of a Boots store in to a cold night. It’s not the cold. It’s your soul being taken from you, piece by piece.
There is a cure. Jericho Boots granted a reprieve to the lucky few who, only very rarely, buy a KitKat Chunky made of solid chocolate, one of the really heavy ones with no wafer in the middle. They’re not the result of a manufacturing defect – they’re a reprieve. Get a KitKat Chunky made of solid chocolate and your soul is returned to you whole. For many, their souls are torn away and they wander ever more slowly between the meal deal options – sushi trays, chicken sandwiches, pre-buttered Soreen loaf slices and miniscule packets of nuts are but a blur to these poor creatures. Boots sandwiches all taste of nothing, for in fact they are made of painted ash.
I live on in hope that the secret is known to all, and continue to wish that the next KitKat Chunky is The One, the one that will return my soul.
Possibly related posts:
Pinterest
